The House of My Mother by Shari Franke – 5⭐

Oh boy, buckle up, this is likely going to be a long one!

“I knew I had to make a stand, somehow. Part of that would be saying no to the world’s desire for me to talk about my siblings, anywhere. Even in the pages of my own book. It is up to my brothers and sisters if they wish to share their story one day. But I’d be no better than Ruby if I detailed their experiences without their consent. They deserve to be given back the choice that had been stolen from them for so long. I don’t want to be anything like her, I thought. I won’t exploit them the way she did.”

I am personally so glad Shari was compassionate enough to try help make the younger children as anonymous as possible. We aren’t owed information about these children, we aren’t even owed information from Shari about Shari, but I’m thankful she chose to share some of what she has been through in her young life with the world.

I wasn’t an 8 Passenger viewer, Ruby Franke and Jodi Hildebrandt came to my attention the same way I suspect they came to most people’s attention. When news broke of ‘R’ asking a neighbour for help. What followed just got worse and worse and I will admit I became a little obsessed.

Shari does ask some very valid questions about the ethics of True Crime consumption, and I do think she has very valid points. I fear a lot of people forget that the stories they are consuming are other peoples’ nightmares and there is of course something abhorrent about that. I do however think there is another important side to it. I think True Crime can be useful on many fronts, for instance, as a person who suffers from anxiety, I live in hope that by understanding how/why these cases happen I might be able to see warning signs and/or stop things from happening. The biggest positive though is that with the uptick in True Crime, many cold cases have gotten solved, wrongful convictions have been overturned, and victims, whose identity often gets lost in the shadow of the perpetrator, get to have their story told. There are cases though where people absolutely lose the run of themselves and insert themselves into victims lives and I feel like that’s what happened in this case.

I became fascinated with the Ruby Franke case for a couple of reasons:

1. This case really highlights that just because things look to be outwardly ‘perfect’ we really have no idea what’s going on behind closed doors.
2. Ruby Franke is one year older than me and it blew my mind how different our lives were. I’m childfree by choice, agnostic and a hardcore introvert. We are polar opposites and standing on the outside, looking at everything in hindsight, I could never imagine abusing any child in any way, never mind out and out torturing children you carried and gave birth to.

From the moment I heard that Franke was trying to spin the ‘I was brainwashed’ tale I suspected that this woman was a master manipulator (just her speech in court really tells us all we need to know in my opinion) and that she was abusive from well before Hildebrandt came on the scene. Shari confirms this in the worst way. Franke was a cold, distant bully who looked at her children as possessions and content for YouTube. She has caused those who most trusted her (as they should) irreparable harm. I really hope that they all will have as much support as they need to overcome the abuse they endured under her reign of terror.

Shari is very compassionate in how she speaks about Ruby, but she is not forgiving. I believe the Mormon church is big on the forgiveness of all (this ex-Catholic can unfortunately relate) and I was afraid that there would be people pressuring Shari, and the rest of the family, to forgive Ruby. From Shari’s point of view, it seems that she has found a way to wish her mother no ill will and be very clear that she no longer wants any relationship with her. I think that’s very mature of her, I’m not sure I could be as gracious. I suspect a lot of therapy went into getting her to this place and I applaud her for that. One of the things that bothers me a lot about this case it that a ‘therapist’ helped Ruby abuse her entire family, so I was concerned that there would be some hesitation on their part to open up to anyone in that kind of position again. The way Shari speaks so positively about her (wonderful) therapist I think it’s somewhat safe to say that’s not the case.

Something I’ve noted in many (not all) cases of people from deeply religious families who are often ‘sheltered’ from what their parents deem inappropriate (let’s ignore for the moment that Ruby and Kevin freely shared their children’s lives with the world and therefore predators) is that when these children go out into the world, they are often ill equipped to identify actual real life predators. In this case, Shari was further abused by an almost 50-year-old married man heavily involved in her church. This piece of her story really broke my heart because I had really hoped she went from Ruby’s house to a better situation. Sadly, this man came across Shari when she was at her most vulnerable and when she did the work to get him out of her life she was judged and punished by this mans peers. She lost her innocence and the comfort of her community because of a sexual predator. It was enraging! It sounds like he got some kind of karma, but I’d put money on it not being enough karma! Men like that never face actual consequences. 😦

Speaking of men and consequences, we need to talk about Kevin!

One of the most frustrating things I’ve seen online is how people have spoken about Kevin. Some of these people also claim to be victims of abuse which blows my mind!

Kevin should absolutely take and own responsibility for his part in allowing the abuse of his children prior to Jodi showing up and after, BUT it’s so important to recognise that he was also a victim. I think Shari rightly points out that Ruby picked a partner that would be easy to manipulate, just like many abusers before her and after her. I even hate when people call him weak because they would never accuse a woman in that same position as being weak. I’ve seen people talk about the roll of men in the LDS church and therefore Kevin, as head of his house, should never have allowed what happened to happen. How he was checked out and ‘happy’ to allow all this abuse to happen because he was besotted by Ruby and would do anything for her. People refusing to see that Kevin was the victim of abuse and later, brainwashing, are being influenced by the patriarchy and that sucks! Men can be victims of domestic abuse, a lot are, and by dismissing them as ‘weak’ people are only making it harder for those men to leave. (An extreme case of a man being a victim and unable to leave is ‘My Wife, My Abuser – Captured on Camera’). Did Kevin let his kids down and make mistakes in how he handled situations with Ruby before Jodi came into the picture? Absolutely! But two things can be true at once, he allowed his kids to be abused while also being abused and later brainwashed. However, as a victim, the only people he needs to justify himself to and seek forgiveness from are his children, and from Shari’s account he is doing the work, and that’s really all that matters. I hope he is also getting buckets of therapy because he had 22 years of Ruby.

Actually, I hope this whole family is getting buckets of therapy individually and as a family. I wish them nothing but the best going forward and once the documentary comes out, I hope they can be left alone. I appreciate Shari telling her side of the story, I hope it was healing for her. As a reader it felt like it was cathartic, and I hope it’s cathartic for those who have had similar experiences.

I also hope she is successful in her crusade to legislate for family vloggers in Utah.